Christmas

Today is Christmas.  I spent the day with my boys and they had a blast.  I didn't exercise today.  Nope. Not one bit.  I did feel guilty and will do a little extra tomorrow.  I should have though because I was a bit down.  It is hard to remember that I don't have many people I can talk to.  My husband (we are not divorced yet so I can't call him my ex)was my confidant for years until we grew apart and my best friend that I believed would not abandon me at my darkest times did just that.  So I am feeling a bit down today.  Maybe the word I am searching for is incomplete.  I have such a big hole in my heart that I don't know what to fill it with.  I just want to patch it up and be OK.  Exercising does that for a time for me for a little while.  I like that I can work up a sweat and move to music and not have to do anything else.  I can have a goal and reach it and feel a little better.  All of this I can do on my own.  I have never had such low self-esteem as I have now.  Never. It is hard to look myself in the mirror without feeling worthless and alone.  I know that sounds terrible but unfortunately that is how I feel.  So this is why I should have worked out.  I tried to tell myself that it is Christmas and I can take the day off.  I wanted to spend the day with my boys.  They were having so much fun. Me...not so much. I have to say it was a Merry Christmas because my boys were happy.